What's the definition of an accountant?
|
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in
a way you don't understand. |
What's the definition of a good tax
accountant?
|
Someone who has a loophole named after him. |
When does a person decide to become an
accountant?
|
When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed
as an undertaker. |
| Why did God invent economists? |
So accountants could have someone to laugh
at. |
| What's an actuary? |
An accountant without the sense of humour. |
| Why do some accountants decide to become
actuaries? |
They find bookkeeping too exciting. |
| What do actuaries do to liven up their
office party? |
Invite an accountant. |
| What does an accountant use for birth
control? |
His personality. |
| What's the difference between an accountant
and a lawyer? |
The accountant knows he is boring. |
What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you
instead of his own. |
What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you
instead of his own. |
| What do you call an accountant who is seen
talking to someone? |
Popular |
| What's an accountant's idea of trashing his
hotel room? |
What's an accountant's idea of trashing his
hotel room?
Refusing to fill out the guest comment card. |
| How do you drive an accountant completely
insane? |
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him
and fold up a road map the wrong way. |
| What did the terrorist who hijacked a plane
full of accountants threaten to do if his demands weren't
met? |
Release one every hour. |
| What's the most wicked thing a group of
young accountants can do? |
Go into town and gang-audit someone. |
| What do accountants do for fun? |
Add the telephone book. |
What does an accountant say when you ask him
the time?
|
It's 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait - 13
seconds, no wait - 14 seconds, no wait...... |
| Why did the accountant stare at his glass of
orange juice for three hours? |
Because on the box it said Concentrate. |
Why was the accountant so excited that he
completed a jigsaw puzzle in only 59 weeks?
|
Because on the box it said 8-12 Years. |
| The accountant was visiting the Museum of
Natural History and said to the person standing next to him,
"That dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old." |
The accountant was visiting the Museum of
Natural History and said to the person standing next to him,
"That dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old." |
| "How did you get such exact information?" |
"I was here ten months ago and the guide
said the dinosaur was two billion years old." |
The accountant's prayer:
|
Lord, help me be more relaxed about
insignificant details, starting tomorrow at 10.53:16 am,
Eastern Daylight Saving Time. |
Conversation between two accountants at a
cocktail party:
|
".......and ninthly..." |
| What do accountants suffer from that
ordinary people don't? |
Depreciation. |
| What does it mean when an accountant is
drooling out of both sides of his mouth? |
What does it mean when an accountant is
drooling out of both sides of his mouth?
His desk is level |
How do you know accountants have no
imagination?
|
How do you know accountants have no
imagination?
They named a firm PricewaterhouseCoopers. |
| There are three kinds of accountants in the
world. |
There are three kinds of accountants in the
world.
Those who can count and those who can't. |
| What do you call an accountant
without a spreadsheet? |
What do you call an accountant
without a spreadsheet?
Lost |
| How can you tell when the Chief Accountant
is getting soft? |
How can you tell when the Chief Accountant
is getting soft?
When he actually listens to Marketing before saying No |
If an accountant's wife can't get to sleep,
what does she say?
|
If an accountant's wife can't get to sleep,
what does she say?
"Tell me about work today, dear" |
When do accountants laugh out loud?
|
When do accountants laugh out loud?
When somebody asks for a raise |
Why do accountants get excited on Saturdays?
|
Why do accountants get excited on Saturdays?
They can wear casual clothes to work |
How does an accountant make a bold fashion
statement?
|
How does an accountant make a bold fashion
statement?
He wears his grey suit instead of the blue |
| How do you know when an accountant's on
holidays? |
How do you know when an accountant's on
holidays?
He doesn't wear a tie to work and comes in after 8.30. |
What would Economics be without assumptions?
|
What would Economics be without assumptions?
Accounting |
What's an auditor?
|
What's an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the
wounded. |
| Why did the auditor cross the road? |
Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last
year. |
| Why did he cross back? |
Why did he cross back?
So he could charge the client for travel expenses. |
How many auditors does it take to change a
light bulb?
How many did it take last year? |
One to change the bulb and one to check it
was done within budget. |
| How many cost accountants does it take to
change a light bulb? |
Hmmm........I'll just do a few numbers and
get back to you |
Laws of Accounting
|
1. Trial balances don't
2. Bank reconciliations never do
3. Working Capital does not
4. Return on Investments never will |
| A fool and his money are soon audited |
Accounting: a collection of figures running
around looking for an argument |
| Accounting will prove anything.
|
Even the truth. |
| Accountants carry their calculations to two
decimal points ..... |
just to prove they have a marvellous sense
of humour |
| My accountant told me that the only reason
why my business is looking up ............. |
It's flat on it's back. |
| My accountant printed this year's balance
sheet in colour |
. - red. |
| An accountant is someone who knows the cost
of everything .. |
and the value of nothing |
| Accountants aren't boring people. They just
get excited over boring things. |
Accountants aren't boring people. They just
get excited over boring things. |
| Old accountants never die. They just lose
their balance. |
Old accountants never die. They just lose
their balance. |
| Creditors have better memories than debtors |
Creditors have better memories than debtors |
Who was the first accountant?
|
Adam. He got interested in figures, turned
the first leaf, made the first entry, lost interest after
withdrawal, buggered up the monthly accounts and raised the
first liability. |
What's a shy and retiring accountant?
. |
An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's
retiring. |
| A businessman tells his friend that his
company is looking for a new accountant. |
His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant
a few weeks ago?"
The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're
looking for." |
A businessman hires a private detective to
find a missing accountant.
|
The detective tells him that he needs a
description and asks a few questions.
"Was he tall or was he short?"
The businessman replies, "Both!" |
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping
and goes to see his doctor.
" |
Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three
hours trying to find it." |
A fellow walks into a hospital and sees two
doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower
beds. He goes over and says, "Can I help? Have you lost
something? "
" |
No," says one of the doctors. "We're about
to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we're looking
for a suitable stone." |
| A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and
burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and
says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the
galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and
burn. What do you think about that?" |
The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion.
I'm a chartered accountant." |
| The accountant had just read the story of
Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time.
T |
he little girl was fascinated by the story,
especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden
coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin
turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income
or a long-term capital gain?" |
| Accountant after reading nursery rhymes to
his young child: |
"No, son. When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep
that wouldn't be tax deductible, but I like your thinking" |
| Wife to husband as they watch their young
son playing: |
'He's such a sensitive child. Let's wait
until he's older before we tell him you're an accountant." |
| "The auditors have just left, sir." |
"Did they check the books?" "Very
thoroughly. ""What did they say?" They want 15% to keep
quiet." |
| A lady goes to see her doctor with some
worrying symptoms and he examines her. |
"I'm sorry," he says "but it's bad news.
You have only six months to live." The patient says, "Oh
Doctor. That's terrible. What should I do?" The doctor
says, "I advise you to marry a CPA." "Will that make me live
longer? ""No," says the doctor. "But it will seem longer." |
| An accountant is in a car travelling with a
farmer client around his farm. |
They pass a large mob of sheep and the
farmer says, "You're pretty good with numbers, Keith. How
many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?" The
accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says, "One
thousand, eight hundred and thirty two." The farmer is
amazed. "Exactly right", he says. "How did you work that out
so fast?" Easy," says the accountant "I counted the number
of feet and divided by 4." |
| The doctor comes to see his heart transplant
patient. |
"This is good news. It is very unusual, but
we have two donors to choose from for your new heart." The
patient is pleased. He asks, "What were their jobs?"
"One was a teacher and the other was an accountant.""I'll
take the accountant's heart," says the patient. "I
want one that hasn't been used."
|
| The managing partner in an accounting firm
is very annoyed with one of his junior partners and has
called him in to chastise him. |
"How could you possibly advise the client in
the way you did? That was completely unethical. We are
always conscious of Ethics in this firm. You do know what
Ethics is don't you?" The young partner is offended. "Of
course I know what Ethics is. It's a county in
southern England."
|
| An Arthur Anderson partner comes back to his
office and says to his manager, "Did you get my message
where I said, 'Ship the Enron documents to the Feds'?" |
The manager goes white. "Oh My God! I
thought you said rip the Enron documents to shreds." |
| An auditor is checking the books of an
airline. He is puzzled by the excess use of fuel on a
Melbourne to Canberra flight. He rings up the pilot and asks
for an explanation. |
"It was late at night'" says the pilot,
"Canberra was covered in fog and I lost my bearings." "I'm
sorry," says the auditor, "but you'll have to bear the cost
yourself."
"The cost of what?" asks the pilot."Of the bearings you
lost."
|
| An auditor was examining the balance sheet
of a mining company that had just bought a sheep station .
The reason for the purchase was partly for the thousands of
acres that the station covered and partly for the thousands
of sheep that ranged over those thousands of acres. The
auditor, being very diligent, noted that the value of the
sheep formed a significant asset and, like all good
auditors, knew that he would have to verify that asset. He
chartered an aircraft and flew up to the station. The
manager was at the airstrip to meet him. |
Hello," he said. "I'm the auditor. I've
come to count the sheep. |
First let me say how very pleased I was to be asked on the 14th
inst. to write an article on why accountancy is not boring. I feel
very strongly that there are many people who may think that
accountancy is boring, but they would be wrong, for it is not at all
boring, as I hope to show you in this article, which is, as I
intimated earlier, a pleasure to write.
I think I can do little worse than begin this article by
describing why accountancy is not boring as far as I am concerned
and then, perhaps, go on to a more general discussion of why
accountancy as a whole is not boring. As soon as I awake in the
morning it is not boring. I get up at 7.16 and my wife Irene, an
ex-schoolteacher, gets up shortly afterwards at 7.22. Breakfast is
far from boring and I am soon ready to leave the house. Irene, a
keen Rotarian, hands me my briefcase and rolled umbrella at 7.53 and
I leave the house seconds later. It is a short walk to Sutton
station, but by no means a boring one. There is so much to see,
including Mr Edgeworth, who also works at Robinson Partners. Mr
Edgeworth is an extremely interesting man and was in Uxbridge during
the war. Then there is a train journey of 22 minutes to London
Bridge, one of British Rail's main London termini, where we
accountants mingle for a moment with stockbrokers and other
accountants from all walks of life. I think that many of the people
to whom accountancy appears boring think that all accountants are
the same. Nothing could be further from the truth. Some accountants
are chartered, but very many others are certified. I am a certified
accountant as, indeed, is Mr Edgeworth, whom I told you about
earlier. However, in the next office to mine is a Mr Manners, who is
a chartered accountant and, incidentally, a keen Rotarian. However,
Mr Edgeworth and I get on extremely well with Mr Manners despite the
slight prestige authority of his position. Mr Edgeworth, in fact,
gets on with Mr Manners extremely well and, if there are two spaces
at lunch it is more than likely he will sit with Mr Manners. So far,
as you can see, accountancy is not boring. During the morning there
are a hundred and one things to do. A secretary may pop in with
details of an urgent audit. This happened in 1967 and again last
year. On the other hand the phone may ring or there may be details
of a new superannuation scheme to mull over. The time flies by in
this not at all boring way and it is soon 10.00 when there is only 1
hour to go before Mrs Jackson brings around the tea urn. Mrs Jackson
is just one of the many people involved in accountancy who give the
lie to those who say it is a boring profession. Even a solicitor or
a surveyor would find Mrs Jackson a most interesting person. At
11.05, having drunk an interesting cup of tea, I put my cup on the
tray and then.... (18 pages deleted here - Ed.) .....and once the
light is turned out by Irene, a very keen Rotarian, I am left to
think how extremely un-boring my day has been, being an accountant.
Finally may I say how grateful I am to your book for so generously
allowing me so much space. (Sorry, Putey! - Ed.)